If I Were John Roberts
John Tierney has a very funny opinion piece in today's New York Times, with suggestions for questions the senators should ask in today's hearings, instead of the questions they will ask, knowing full well Roberts won't answer them.
John Roberts has proved over the course of a long and distinguished career in the judicial and executive branches and in private practice that he is extremely disciplined and preternaturally able to keep his mouth shut. So he wouldn't answer Tierney's questions either. But if I were Judge Roberts, this is how I'd answer them.
If Roe v. Wade were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?
Ailanthus altissima, a noxious invasive exotic which some people call tree of heaven and the rest call stinktree.
Is there any chance that you could speed up Justice Stevens's retirement by addressing him as "Gramps"?
Not unless I used semaphore flags. He's been deaf as a post since 1991.
After seeing a judge's robes in a Gilbert and Sullivan production, Chief Justice Rehnquist added gold stripes to his robe. If confirmed, will you keep the stripes, or do you have a whole new look in mind?
Since the Daily Kos crowd called me gay, I'm thinking I'll order the entire court to dress up like Village People.
From your analysis of constitutional history, would you classify James Madison as a dog person or a cat person?
Based on the principle of originalist intent, I'd say Dog Person. Several of the Founding Fathers thought Dolley was a b****, after all.
Suppose you'd been in Solomon's place when he proposed cutting the baby in two. And suppose neither woman objected. Would you have cut the baby? Flipped a coin? Or opted for foster care?
None of the above. That kind of stuff is what you have clerks for.
You've said you're a devotee of P. G. Wodehouse. Of the current justices, who is most like Jeeves?
Clarence Thomas.
Who's most like Bertie Wooster?
All the rest of them. Except Scalia, he's Aunt Agatha.
Would you consider instituting a casual Friday dress policy on the bench?
Not if Scalia thinks he can wear Tevas. Hairy Italian toes -- yech.
Would it be a violation of Lois Lane's so-called right to privacy if Superman used his X-ray vision to look through her clothes?
No. Superman has been reorganized as an subagency in the Department of Homeland Security, and is authorized to use all available superpowers to combat terrorism without obtaining warrants. And if Nan Aron doesn't like it she can eat my shorts.
Would you think it's cool if a professional wrestler dubbed himself Chief Justice, or would you sue him for trademark infringement?
Intellectual Property's not my strong suit (ha -- little inside lawyer joke there) but I think he's clear if he just changes the spelling a little. Maybe Chief Just-Ass??
During the announcement of your nomination at the White House, your son distracted the president with an impromptu dance. When you got home that night, what happened to him?
We thoughtfully discussed Daddy's views on dancing as a constitutionally protected activity, and then we had a time out.
Would Thomas Jefferson have preferred the Beatles or the Stones?
Are you kidding? He was from the Piedmont and he played the fiddle. Charlie Daniels Band.
After Justice Souter's opinion in the Kelo case endorsed the use of eminent domain to seize peoples' homes for a higher "public use," a group proposed that the town of Weare in New Hampshire increase its tax revenue by taking Justice Souter's property there so that a developer could build a resort called the Lost Liberty Hotel. Would your family ever vacation there?
Heck, we'd consider a time share.
What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs in the evening?
Bill Clinton.
When you were a clerk at the Supreme Court, Chief Justice Warren Burger was disliked for his pretentiousness. What nickname did the clerks have for him? Burger King?
Hey, that's pretty good!
No further comment.
Does President Bush have a nickname for you yet?
Yes.
[pause]
I cannot say more than I have already said.
[pause]
Ginsburg put me up to that.
When justices have birthday parties, should they invite all the other justices, or can they invite just the ones they like?
Mom says I have to invite them all. Even the girls. I hate girls.
If Vice President Dick Cheney and Justice Scalia invited you duck hunting, would you go?
I'll have to. If I don't they'll tease me behind my back. They'll call me a Nancy Pelosi girl.
If Judge Judy isn't afraid of television cameras in her courtroom, why is the Supreme Court so chicken?
We don't want to go up opposite Oprah in the 11 am time slot.
Ashley or Mary-Kate?
Both. Even taken together they don't add up to one decent female, you know.
Your passion for correct grammar and syntax is well known, but you have yet to inform the American people of your position on the serial comma. In the phrase "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," should there be a comma after "liberty"?
It's called the Harvard Comma. You figure it out.
How would you edit this sentence to make it grammatically correct?: "I swear I ain't never gonna overturn Roe v. Wade."
"I swear I ain't never gonna overturn Roe v. Wade, sucka."
John Roberts has proved over the course of a long and distinguished career in the judicial and executive branches and in private practice that he is extremely disciplined and preternaturally able to keep his mouth shut. So he wouldn't answer Tierney's questions either. But if I were Judge Roberts, this is how I'd answer them.
If Roe v. Wade were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?
Ailanthus altissima, a noxious invasive exotic which some people call tree of heaven and the rest call stinktree.
Is there any chance that you could speed up Justice Stevens's retirement by addressing him as "Gramps"?
Not unless I used semaphore flags. He's been deaf as a post since 1991.
After seeing a judge's robes in a Gilbert and Sullivan production, Chief Justice Rehnquist added gold stripes to his robe. If confirmed, will you keep the stripes, or do you have a whole new look in mind?
Since the Daily Kos crowd called me gay, I'm thinking I'll order the entire court to dress up like Village People.
From your analysis of constitutional history, would you classify James Madison as a dog person or a cat person?
Based on the principle of originalist intent, I'd say Dog Person. Several of the Founding Fathers thought Dolley was a b****, after all.
Suppose you'd been in Solomon's place when he proposed cutting the baby in two. And suppose neither woman objected. Would you have cut the baby? Flipped a coin? Or opted for foster care?
None of the above. That kind of stuff is what you have clerks for.
You've said you're a devotee of P. G. Wodehouse. Of the current justices, who is most like Jeeves?
Clarence Thomas.
Who's most like Bertie Wooster?
All the rest of them. Except Scalia, he's Aunt Agatha.
Would you consider instituting a casual Friday dress policy on the bench?
Not if Scalia thinks he can wear Tevas. Hairy Italian toes -- yech.
Would it be a violation of Lois Lane's so-called right to privacy if Superman used his X-ray vision to look through her clothes?
No. Superman has been reorganized as an subagency in the Department of Homeland Security, and is authorized to use all available superpowers to combat terrorism without obtaining warrants. And if Nan Aron doesn't like it she can eat my shorts.
Would you think it's cool if a professional wrestler dubbed himself Chief Justice, or would you sue him for trademark infringement?
Intellectual Property's not my strong suit (ha -- little inside lawyer joke there) but I think he's clear if he just changes the spelling a little. Maybe Chief Just-Ass??
During the announcement of your nomination at the White House, your son distracted the president with an impromptu dance. When you got home that night, what happened to him?
We thoughtfully discussed Daddy's views on dancing as a constitutionally protected activity, and then we had a time out.
Would Thomas Jefferson have preferred the Beatles or the Stones?
Are you kidding? He was from the Piedmont and he played the fiddle. Charlie Daniels Band.
After Justice Souter's opinion in the Kelo case endorsed the use of eminent domain to seize peoples' homes for a higher "public use," a group proposed that the town of Weare in New Hampshire increase its tax revenue by taking Justice Souter's property there so that a developer could build a resort called the Lost Liberty Hotel. Would your family ever vacation there?
Heck, we'd consider a time share.
What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs in the evening?
Bill Clinton.
When you were a clerk at the Supreme Court, Chief Justice Warren Burger was disliked for his pretentiousness. What nickname did the clerks have for him? Burger King?
Hey, that's pretty good!
No further comment.
Does President Bush have a nickname for you yet?
Yes.
[pause]
I cannot say more than I have already said.
[pause]
Ginsburg put me up to that.
When justices have birthday parties, should they invite all the other justices, or can they invite just the ones they like?
Mom says I have to invite them all. Even the girls. I hate girls.
If Vice President Dick Cheney and Justice Scalia invited you duck hunting, would you go?
I'll have to. If I don't they'll tease me behind my back. They'll call me a Nancy Pelosi girl.
If Judge Judy isn't afraid of television cameras in her courtroom, why is the Supreme Court so chicken?
We don't want to go up opposite Oprah in the 11 am time slot.
Ashley or Mary-Kate?
Both. Even taken together they don't add up to one decent female, you know.
Your passion for correct grammar and syntax is well known, but you have yet to inform the American people of your position on the serial comma. In the phrase "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," should there be a comma after "liberty"?
It's called the Harvard Comma. You figure it out.
How would you edit this sentence to make it grammatically correct?: "I swear I ain't never gonna overturn Roe v. Wade."
"I swear I ain't never gonna overturn Roe v. Wade, sucka."